mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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