Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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