the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
