Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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