I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
