I can text with my tongue
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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