my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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