Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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