I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think my tv is drunk
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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