I CAN MOONWALK!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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