I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Someone shattered a urinal.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
