i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You need Xanax blowdarts
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
