i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
