alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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