glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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