I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
