if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
