she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
