Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
