...so i touched it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
