My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
