We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
