Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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