Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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