My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
