i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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