I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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