So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
