If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
