We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
