I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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