my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
