Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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