Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You can't motorboat a personality
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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