i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
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I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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