Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Enjoy the penises
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
