No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
