So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
