Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
