Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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