i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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