dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
