You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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