you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
