speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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