I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
