The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
