meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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