I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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