i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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