I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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