Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
