That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
