The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
