Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
