then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Naked Twister starts at high noon
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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