you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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