Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So many bounce houses so little time
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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