i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
