My liver just broke up with me...
i was born a porn star she said
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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