Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
